Envy
by whiteyspidey
Summary: What did Paige do and where did she go after she and Emily broke up in "Monsters in the End"? This fic gives some insight into what she felt after Emily telling her that they couldn't be together because Paige wasn't out.


She seems to wander endlessly, after leaving Emily and Samara shamelessly flirting with each other at the booth. She bumps into countless people, apologizing profusely, keeping her head down but feeling the ugly feeling festering within her. She can't help it. It's the green eyed monster, roaring in her stomach, scratching at her throat, bringing tears to her eyes. She scrambles in the pockets of her jacket, looking for the keys to her bike. When she finally gets them up speeds up her pace, heading for the bike racks but collides head on with someone going the other direction. Falling flat she hears her keys flying from the air before they disappear from her sight with a loud plunge.

"Hey, are you okay?" the person asks her. It's a boy her own age. He has scraggy clothes on, wears his hair in a shaggy haircut and is holding a brown, patched up backpack.

"I'm fine, just fine," she says as she looks desperately around for her keys in the direction that she heard them falling. She notices a large drains with water sounding far beneath the pavement. "Great! That's just great!"

"I'm sorry. I should have been looking where I'm going."

"No, it was my fault," she feels the tears coming back to her eyes. "This is just the perfect ending to this day."

"Maybe I can be of some help," the boy looks at her apologetically. "Is that your bike?"

"Yeah."

"Do you mind if I just…?"

"Go ahead. Can't make it any worse I guess."

The boy pokes around the lock for a few moments before it falls off the wheel and onto the ground:  
"Abra-kadabra."

"Wow, how did you do that? That is a top of the line lock."

"I have my ways. I'm Caleb by the way."

"Paige McCullers."

"Haven't I seen you around? You're friends with Emily Fields aren't you?"

"No. I mean yes. I mean…"

"Look, you don't owe me an explanation to your relationships."

"I don't… it's not a relationship… I…" for some reason she feels her armor chipping away under the gaze of this random, scraggly looking boy who seems to be so free of judgement. She notices the lapels of her jacket getting wet and wondering whether the clear sky has made way for rainy clouds she looks around before realizing that these are tears coming from her eyes.

"Wow, I didn't mean to… Please don't cry… It's not that bad. You can get a new key for the lock, I even know a guy…" Caleb says awkwardly, like a child that just broke his friends toy car and doesn't know what to do.

"It's not that, you didn't do anything. I should go…" Paige says, trying desperately to cover the watery mess that is her face.

"Hey, don't go wandering off alone like that," Caleb grabs her shoulder. "Do you maybe want to go somewhere more quiet?"

"To do what?"

"I don't know. It just looks like you need someone, and I have a couple of hours for laying low. Come on, I know a place."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The courtyard of the school looks a whole lot different with no people in it. They are not suppose to be there, but Caleb assures her before picking the lock that he has been sneaking around in the courtyard, taking advantage of the school's wifi without anybody finding out. Paige looks around, noticing some the hidden spots and corners where she used to hide out with Emily, basking in their hidden moments. She feels her throat getting dry again but decides to swallow the clump that is already forming there when she sees Caleb approaching with his arms full.

"Ta-da," he says and dumps the goodies in front of Paige. "Pick what you like, I've already ate all of them too many times."

"Thanks," Paige says and pokes around in the pile, feeling the knot pulsing in her stomach. "But I'm not really that hungry."

"You don't eat these because you're hungry," Caleb says and grabs a can of soda. "You eat them because they taste nice. And then you hate yourself for overindulging."

"I don't think I need any help hating myself thank you…" Paige mumbles avoiding his gaze.

"Ouf! Who did that number on you?" Caleb says, taking a sip. "Was it that Sean Ackard guy?"

"What?" this time she is sincerely flabbergasted. "How did you…? We weren't even really seeing each other. It was one date!"

"Relax, I don't know anything. I've barely met the guy," he says, staring at his can. "It's just… he used to date someone that I care about and the guy seems like a real friggin' tool."

"Well, you can calm down. I assure you. He is all bark and no bite."

"So you do know him? Is it him that you were all banged up about?"

"No!"

"So who is he?"

"Why do you care?"

"Look, I don't really know who you are or what you do, but I know a hot mess when I see one. I happen to be in the same position myself. And I'm going away. For how long I don't know. And I really messed some things up while I was here so maybe I just felt like doing one nice thing before I leave a pile full of bad karma here in Rosewood."

"You're really leaving Rosewood?"

"Yeah. So whatever you say here will never reach anybody else in this town."

"Promise?"

"Yeah. I promise."

Paige takes a moment, weighing her options while fiddling with a soda can. She sees the moment of complete honesty, for one of the first times in her life, like a clear oasis in a wasteland full of dirty, damaging lies. Finally she lets out a long sigh as the drink fizzles when she flips it open:  
"I'll make you a deal."

"Are we making a deal now?"

"Yes. There is no such thing as a free lunch Caleb. Except maybe this," she says gesturing towards the pile of snacks in the pile between them. "I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours."

"A quid pour quoi then? And why would you think I want to get something off my chest."

"Because, from take this from the ultimate champion of clamping down your feelings; it takes one to know one."

"Okay, I'll bite."

"So, since I got you hooked, I think you should start."

"Fine," Caleb breathes in before letting out a heavy breath. "I was with someone, a girl, and we had something really special. But I was dumb, and I did some things that I shouldn't have done. I sold her out, for a price that I thought I needed at the time, but now I realize that it wasn't."

"What was the price?"

"Does it matter? Whatever it was, it could have been millions, diamonds, pearls. The entirety of Silicon Valley and it wouldn't have mattered one bit. She doesn't have price tag, because there is no one like her. She has this bottomless patience and compassion that I haven't ever gotten to know before in my life. There isn't a price in the world that could be put up that would make double-crossing her worth it and I should have realized that because Hanna is…" he stops, realizing that he has lost the pronoun game. "She is priceless."

"Wow, she sounds like quite a girl" Paige says after letting the silence linger between the two of them for a while.

"She is. She truly is."

"Maybe it's not too late. Does she know how you feel about what you did?"

"I tried telling her but to be honest I don't even know if it's going to reach her and if it does I don't know if she wants to hear it. It's an endless loop of if's and maybe's."

"But you put it out there," Paige says, telling him the same thing that she has told herself countless of times. "And the message has a receiver and purpose. So the rest is out of your hands."

"You're quite wise McCullers. How come we didn't get to know each other in Rosewood High?"

"I don't exactly like the spotlight."

"Me neither. It's hard for us to find one another."

"Us who?"

"The ones who are still in the dark."

"Well, aren't you a poet?"

"Don't I know it. Okay. Your turn. What is his name?"

"Whose name?"

"The one that broke your heart. You have it plastered all over your face."

"I didn't get my heart broken by someone. I think I managed to do that all on my own."

"How so?"  
"Because I went ahead and messed up one of the few good things I have in my life."

"And who was that?"

"The one that made me feel like there was a way out of this darkness."

"And how did you manage that?"

"Because… even though the dark can be cold and lonely, I've spent so long in there. I have my own corner and I've made myself a cozy spot there."

"I know how that feels."

"And the thing is, she is out there, in the sun and she wanted me to be out there too, but it was too bright and scary so I scampered back. And that's how I lost her…"

Paige doesn't realize that she has dropped the pronoun until it's out and then it's too late. Caleb stares at her, even taking a moment from munching on the goldfish shaped pieces that he has been shoveling into his face since she started her story. She feels how the universe seems to tighten around her head, like every time that she feared that someone had overseen her texts with Emily or their stealthy handholding. But this time it is different, the cat is out of the bag, and a couple of goldfishes fall to the ground, with Caleb being too slack jawed to catch them. She feels something mount in her chest, but this time it is not fear, it is a gigantic wave of relief and all the things that she has barely even allowed herself to think come torpedoing to the surface like a swimmer clasping for air:

"You know what? Stare if you want. I don't even care anymore. Because you know what? I like girls. Yeah I said it. I like girls, just like you do. I like how soft their lips look and how they're even softer when you get close enough to get a kiss. I like how their hair billows in the wind like water falling down a ravine. I like the way that they smile and when they laugh I swear that my heart just skips a beat. I like the way their skin feels when I touch it. I like everything there is to like about them and I like the way that I feel that I'm with them. And no, it's not like a thing where I like both. Boys are fine as friends. You for example. I would like hanging out with you. I also liked hanging out with Sean Ackard, until her tried to kiss me and I got reminded that it wasn't meant to be a hangout, it was meant to be a date. Because even if they're fun and nice to talk to there is just something about them that isn't _right_. They don't smell right, or feel right and they have hair, but not in the right way, it's growing in all the wrong places and…"

"I'll stop you right there," Caleb says cutting in on her rambling monologue. "You don't have to convince me Paige. I like girls too. They're awesome. And soft. And hairy manbutt. Egh. No thank you."

His last remark is so ridiculous that Paige just stares at him, letting out a huge roar of laughter with Caleb joining her. They sit together for a moment, struggling for breath as they chortle loudly with the noises echoing off the walls. Paige touches her face, wiping away tears, but knowing that this time they come from joy.

"So, does she have a name this goddess of yours?"

"Her name is Emily Fields," Paige says. Maybe it's the fact that the courtyard is completely closed and shut off with half of the town away at the fair but maybe it's just the relief to be finally able to say these things out loud that she can't help but shouting the next sentence out. "Her name is Emily Fields and she is warm like the sun!"

"I think I've met her," Caleb says after recoiling from her yelling. "She's friends with Hanna."

"Yeah, she's never too far away from her friends," Paige says. "That's one of the things that she hated about me wanting to hide what we had. Not being able to tell her friends about it."

"Well, she is out and proud isn't she? Then she is going to want the whole experience."

"I wasn't ready for that. But I still wanted to be with her. So that was a dilemma."

"I can see how that can be problematic."

"Yup. And that's why she decided to end things with me and I scampered. And ran into you. So here we are."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"What do you mean, do about it?"

"What are you going to do about Emily?"

"There is nothing that I can do Caleb. She wants to be with someone that is out and I'm not ready for that. So there's that, I can't force her to be in a relationship that doesn't make her feel comfortable."

"That's not what I mean."

"Then, what do you mean?"

"You always have a choice. You're not just going to disappear from her life, right?"

"No, we're still in the same school. Still on the same team. Swim team, I mean."

"So, you need to have a plan. How are you going to be around her. Because I know that you have that green eyes monster inside you, just like I do. And if you go in without a plan you will say something or do something that you will regret later."

"So what should I do?"

"Stay back. Don't pretend that you own her. You can't be together because of you so she shouldn't have to suffer for that. If you try to hog her, she'll just grow to regret you. She will be with other people and that will hurt, so much. But don't ignore her, that will hurt her too, and she doesn't deserve that either. Be nice, well as nice as you can be. If she needs you, be there for her. But don't expect anything. Worry about yourself, okay?"

"You are very wise," Paige says. "I can see what Hanna sees in you. Is this your own plan that you're advising me."

"Yeah, but it will be a whole lot easier for me. I get to skip town."

"Sometimes I wish I could just do that too."

"There are still people here for you to stay in town for. There are still battles here for you to win. It's not going to be over in a day."

"But one day?"

"One day maybe. Maybe one day both of us will meet under very different circumstances. Maybe one day we'll both be deserving of the ones that we hold so dear."

"I like that," Paige said and raised her can. "Cheers to hoping."

They clunk their cans together and sit in silence for a while, munching on the goodies that Paige has finally gained appetite for, the knots in her stomach a little less devastating than before. When they finish they walk together to the bus stop, not really knowing how to end this chance encounter but finally they conclude it with a hearty hand-shake.

"I'll see you around McCullers," Caleb says. "Thanks for the chat. And take care. Until next time."

"You too Caleb," Paige says and lets go of his hand, walking her bike back to the direction of her house.

And with that, she is right back there, in the dark. The next couple of days and weeks aren't the easiest but she keeps Caleb's advice in mind, making sure that their past history doesn't get in the way of making Emily feel comfortable. They make small talk in the locker room and compliment one another when the other makes impressive strides in the pool yet Paige never seems to find a way to look her in the eye, keeping her face turned towards anything else that isn't the middle of her dark brown eyes. She thinks about it at night, when she's hiding away in her room after having had her full of listening to her dad go on about "those people", when she is suppose to be studying for Russian History. She looks over the notes that she has made, organized into different thematics and an idea plants itself into her head. She rips out of piece of paper from her notebook and hesitates for a short while before scrabbling her thoughts down on it:

[ _I can't look into her eyes because then I can't help but wonder what could have been. But I can't do that now. Because for now I need to give her space. And hope, just hope, that one day I will be brave enough for her.]_

She folds the paper in half, before making it into a sailboat, which she in turns folds into a smaller one that she finally tucks into her bookshelf, safely away from prying eyes.

The week after turns out to be a rollercoaster ride of emotions with the Sharks winning one of their most challenging competitions yet. Paige changes as quickly as she can, hoping to catch Emily before she leaves. She wants to congratulate her, one teammate to another for sealing their victory with the last amazing lap that she swam. As she shoves her stuff into her bag she feels a warm feeling spread over her, better than the one that she got when she realized that they had just won the race; this is her finally doing something that is right and feeling a sense of grace for being able to do so. She scurries out of the changing room and finds the familiar sight of Emily's raven hair and her sports jacket.

"Emily I…" she starts but stops dead in her tracks. Emily is already engaged in a conversation with Samara, and it doesn't take a detective to see that sparks are flying between them. Feeling like all of the air has been punched out of her lungs, Paige ducks into the closest room that she can find before either of them notice that she is even there.

And it is there in the darkness of the sports storeroom, that Paige McCullers crumbles. She slides down, back to the door, feeling the quiet tears that she doesn't even try to hold back tumbling down her face. She knows that eventually she'll need to get up, keep her head down like she usually does, and find a quiet way to exit. And the day after she will smile and be civil again. And the day after that. And the week after that, for however long it takes. Because that is what Emily deserves. But for now she allows herself to wallow, even though only for a moment, for she can hear her own heart bursting with envy, all alone in the dark.

 **As some of you might guess, this fic is heavily inspired by the song "Envy" by the Digital Daggers. If you haven't heard it you should definitely check it out.**

 **The reason I wrote this fic was mostly because I felt that Paige's side of the story hasn't been told enough for to me she is so much more than just a supporting character. I also think that Caleb and Paige had some sort of backstory before the third season which is the reason why Paige seeks his help when she gets freaked out after the Halloween Train.**

 **So, what were your thoughts?**

 **Ps. This fic is a oneshot but is compatible with the story arc of my multi chapter fic "Scar Tissue."**


End file.
